and you are starry, starry, starry

Again, I'm still here if you're still here.

So my life goes on with Christian Dior on my face, Versache on my wrists, and Steve Maddens on my feet; Maybe I don't know how to label me or anything that surrounds me, so I might as well put a label on what I own. An expensive, vapid label.

I don't believe that this is the same reason why so many people buy Coach merchandise.
(It's ugly, and it makes you ugly by association.)

Money is tight and we're trying to paint the rooms of this apartment and I'm trying to call this home and the words don't come anymore like they used to and I'm smoking too much and I look bad in fluorescent lights and sleep doesn't come like it used to and I think too much about things I could never write about.

It felt good to be there again surrounded by the scents and scenes that provoked the kind of memories that made you want to make more right away. And it has to be tonight. It always has to be tonight. Because if it's not tonight, then it has to be never and never just won't do.

See what I mean? It's all just nonsense now. Someone fix this.

"All the angels want to know / Are you lost or treading water?"

Don't worry, I'm still alive.

I think that my writing has slipped into a coma, though.

The words just aren't coming out like they used to.

I would do anything to fix this.

Just another day in the Naughton/Quyle household...

I'm still proud to be tappin' this.

"Now you can be the man you always wanted to be!"

Busy, busy, busy.

• Tonight is Josh's last shift working at Motel Suites. This means that he will no longer have to work overnight, which has its pros and cons. The good thing is that he will be on a normal sleeping schedule, which means that we can now start actually spending time together during the day like normal people! Yay! The bad thing is that I have to share the bed again. Lame.
• I am now a full-time employee of Dior. The job is at the cosmetics counter at the Macy's in Castleton Square Mall. It's amazing, because the pay is good, and I get awesome hours. I win, you lose. Ha. Ha.
• We are apartment-hunting again. We thought we settled on Marcy Village, but according to a few apartment rating sites, it's notorious for mold infestations. Ew. So, I decided to start all over again. I want to live somewhere in between Castleton and downtown Indy, and we've found a few places to investigate over the next few weeks. I will keep you updated...
• I am officially poor until the end of time.
• It's really hot in our apartment. Super lame.
  

There are so many more things I could talk about, but I'm at such a verbal roadblock, that all I can think to do is post videos I found on YouTube. So, here you go; Shia Lebeouf repeating "No, No, No" in three different movies:

"What I did was your fault somehow."

Strange people have been visiting my dreams lately. Over the past few years, I've ended a lot of relationships (both friendly and otherwise) very violently; I'm really not one to fade out of peoples' lives gracefully.

It started when I was out in Wyoming, and it followed me home. It has caused me to do a lot of thinking about why I did a lot of the things I did, and I almost (keyword) felt regret for leaving so many issues unresolved with so many people.

However, thinking about it now, that almost feeling of needing to reconcile is immediately replaced with a rejuvenated anger over all the reasons why I burned so many bridges. It's amazing how betrayal has such a long shelf life in the heart; it's a bitterness that never softens.

So, in the spirit of bitter hate, I present two videos that encapture this very spirit of the plain and simple "Fuck you". The second video is a response to the first, and it's my favorite.






Enjoy.

The Only Living Girl in Cody, WY

So, I got fired from the Elephant Head Lodge.

It's a really long story, and I'm sick of telling it. Just know that I was screwed over, and I'm much happier now that I'm gone.

Early yesterday morning, I was dropped off at the Carter Mountain Motel in Cody, WY and was told, "you're on your own now, kid". So, here I am. Yesterday morning, I had no money, no car, and no idea what to do next. This morning, however, things are a little clearer.

My step-mom put enough money in my account to buy a plane ticket home, and I will be out of this God-forsaken place on the second flight out tomorrow afternoon. Until then, however, my time is devoted to wasting oxygen in Wyoming. Ick, ick, ick.

So far, I've eaten a few times, taken a lot of walks, and bought a magnet. My life is just too exciting sometimes.

My current situation has allowed me time to reflect, and that's been...neat. I was taking a bubble-bath earlier, and I just felt ridiculously and insanely attractive. I was reaching across the tub to grab my loofah (weirdest word ever), and I became strangely aware of how good I looked. Not in a vain way...more of a self-confident kind of way.

This sudden self-awareness brought me back to a conversation I had with Jess late last night. She's not a shy girl, but her modesty almost goes too far. She asked me how I could feel so comfortable with my body when she felt that she constantly looked horrible. And now that she's starting a new relationship, she was having trouble feeling secure that this guy thought she was pretty and blah blah blah...Jess is just a very pretty girl who had some bad experiences with guys, and she's never had anyone convince her that she was beautiful. Unfortunate, I know...

I tried to explain it to her as best I could: When I fall in love with someone, they become the most attractive person to me in the universe. It doesn't matter what they look like, they are hott stuff; I would never think look at a fold or a freckle in distaste. I feel this way about Josh, and Jess agreed that she felt this way about her new man. I then explained to her that it's the same deal on the other side. When someone loves you, you are ridiculously attractive to them. They don't think you need a nose job; they don't think your thighs are disgustingly huge; they don't think you're having a bad hair day. They think that you are disgustingly gorgeous, no matter what.

And from that philosophy, I derive my confidence. So sitting in the sudsy bathwater in the Carter Mountain Motel, it finally sunk in that I am ridiculously hott. Sure, sure, my body can claim tons of imperfections, and there are times that I can feel insecure about a freckle or a fold...but I know that Josh loves me, and at least he thinks I'm sexy. Kind of.

So, yeah, there goes my girly post about believing yourself and blah blah boring blah blah...in case some of you are feeling nauseous or bored or both by this post, then check out this video of small children getting injured:

"I'm a modern girl, but I fold in half so easily."

Wyoming. What the hell was I thinking?

I'm finally here, and I have no idea how to begin describing my new life.

My days consist of three square meals separated by hours of scrubbing cabins. And yes, it is just as glamorous as it sounds. The lodge is not officially open yet, so we're trying to prepare the cabins for the beginning of the season. Right now, the only people working on deep cleaning all 15 cabins are us three girls. And we clean all the fucking time.

More help is coming next week, but until then, it's tough work.

I'm just cranky and disappointed that I'm not working in the office. Cleaning cabins is not my element. I am most at home when I am on the phone making small-talk with people wanting reservations. And since I am 3,000 miles away from home at a higher altitude in a completely different climate, I'll take what I can get for familiarity.

The people here are interesting, and I should have a whole post about my co-workers soon.

As for now, I am cold and cranky.

I can only hope that it's all uphill from here.